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Perception
19: I remember feeling anxiety when a boy put his arm around my waist, being keenly aware of the crease in fat where my body curved. I remember building a wardrobe of empire waisted shirts to hide my little tummy pooch. I remember buying shirts and jeans a size too big, because the next size down felt too tight against my skin. I remember beginning to buy more half-sleeved shirts because I didn't like the way my arms looked in pictures.
I saw chubby, and I hid my body accordingly.
When I was 22, the stress and anxiety of a new situation took its toll and I gained about 20 pounds in a matter of months. And honestly, I was fine. I didn't think much of it. I didn't have time to think much of it.
When I was 23, I returned home. The weight started coming off naturally-- until a medication change (read: hormone change) spiked my weight back up. I learned acceptance. I bought new clothes that weren't necessarily form fitting, but weren't necessarily baggy either. I focused on taking care of myself for my mental and physical well being, to heal from the previous year's wear. I didn't think I would be able to lose the weight, just because extreme dieting was never my thing-- extreme anything isn't my thing. And that was okay.
Adaptation
I remember my brother cooking the squash he grew in his garden. I decided to eat when I was hungry, not eat when I wasn't. I ate what my body asked for, in moderation.
I remember late night bursts of energy and runs around the block, or cycling on a stationary bike in the dead of winter to sort things out in my mind. My body craved movement, so I gave it freely.
I remember gripping my abdomen in pain, curling and stretching my body, trying to find relief. It had never been that bad before. I remember feeling fear in anticipation of the next cycle.
I remember a boy's arms wrapped around my torso, pulling me so terribly close, obeying no constraints. Terrible greed on his part, and in time, a heavy understanding of particular aspects of my physical and mental being.
I remember squatting down into a plank to show a friend that no, I cannot do real push ups, only a lot of "girl" push ups-- and then doing a set of real push ups. I had never tried, so I never knew.
I remember the feeling of the sun burning my chest and arms with the first hint of springtime, and deciding that half-sleeves just weren't going to satisfy my cravings for fresh air and warmth.
I remember cleaning out my childhood bedroom and finding a pair of jeans from when I was a teenager-- and fitting them. Then altering them from boot cut to skinny jeans (styles change, ya know?) and bringing them back to Utah with me.
Contentment
A couple weeks ago a friend and I were flipping through pictures from when I was 22. We got to one when I was probably at the highest weight I had ever been, and he paused to chat about something. I had to pause the conversation and flip to the next picture. He perceived it as me being insecure about my body, but I don't think that was it. (I learned to accept my body, if you recall). I simply did not relate to that person in the picture. I do not look like that person anymore-- I'm 20 pounds lighter, my hair is longer, and even the way I live my life, the way I understand the world and myself has changed.
My body is comparable to my 19-year-old body, but my entire perception of my body has been refined. My butt looks amazing in that tight black skirt. I like the way my collarbone looks in my favorite t-shirt, and the way it drapes around the curves in my waist. And my mid-rise dark wash jeans feel so divine around my legs and hips-- and they fit like a dream.
I've learned that my body is strong, and it is sacred. My body knows what it needs, and I have learned how to hear what it tells me. And if you slide your arms around my waist, my body will rejoice and love you right back, with not even a hint of hesitation.
I've learned that my body is strong, and it is sacred. My body knows what it needs, and I have learned how to hear what it tells me. And if you slide your arms around my waist, my body will rejoice and love you right back, with not even a hint of hesitation.
